The day of the hog

from the mostly brilliant Dlisted:
In what has to be one of the weirdest American traditions next to stabbing each other's faces off for a 10% off Xbox360 controller the day after Thanksgiving, hundreds pulled themselves out of bed to gather around Punxsutawney Phil's burrow hole in Pennsylvania to predict if we'll have six more weeks of whatever season we're in.

found while packing my apartment

All three of these were in different locations in my apartment. It was like I peed on them, waited 3 minutes, gulped and hid them from myself.

yes

Me?

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

SLC cribs Part 3

Say we finally get a crib, then we are going to have to fill it with even more crap besides the baby! Why can't babies play with sticks and sleep in caves like the old days? Oh, wait, they can.. I just forgot for a second that my milk boobs are already uncomfortable on my mattress. I could never hack it in a damp cave.
So, first, sheets! Actually, crib sheets. I like typing that. Reminds me of making out with Ronald Williams when I was 14 and not knowing what the hell I was doing. Like that one time I used his crotch to prop myself up and he flipped out. I had no idea what the big deal was.
Dwell. Sets for $40





These seem like a little too much on the money front, but so pretty. Maybe it's just the whole nursery look, though. Unison Home


Then we need the mattress and mattress cover.
Do cribs come with mattresses? How do I not already know this?


Then we are going to have to swaddle the kid (aka tie him up so he feels like he is back in my gassy belly and doesn't scratch his own face off with his fingernails.)



Maybe this miracle blanket would be worth it. What am I forgetting? Suggestions?

SLC cribs Part 2

The boy is going to need somewhere to sleep too.
The cheapest and most jail-like options come from our friendly neighborhood Swedish furniture outlet.

1. $79.99
2. $119
3. $69.99 Cheapest!, but will it go the way of our current bed frame?
(Timeline: Fight over what to get at Ikea... fight over how to put it together at home... realization that pieces were forgotten to be purchased at Ikea... refusal to go back to Ikea... bed promptly breaking on first weird sex move experimentation).
Obviously there will not be any experimental sex on the crib (well, I shouldn't count anything out), but will a good baby jumping, flipping or tantrum-ing take it down?



I am shocked to say that Walmart's selection is not half bad.



1. $199
2. $299. Is $100 for a rolling drawer worth it? I wish I could force myself to like wood grain instead of only mirrored, glass or chrome everything. My life would be so much easier.
3. $199
4. $299



And Target:






1. $504. Seems costy and a weird price. You can't fool me, Target!
2. In dark brown.
3. Plain, but maybe a possibility? $299.
Alas, the options!

Start playing the Sarah Mclauglan..

Oh Beatrice, she just celebrated her 8th birthday in a similar fashion to how I celebrated my 32nd... pretty much nothing happened and we went to bed in a basket in the closet before 10pm.

This morning, just cause I like to shop websites called things like "Gun Dog Supply" I belatedly ordered her a few birthday gifts. We are moving in less than 3 weeks and I want her to have the best new outfits for our new neighborhood. Swanky capital hill will not tolerate nylon collars.
So I went with leather collar and no noise collar tag. I believe i am going to name my next pet (chicken!?) Alfie 2.


And just out of curiosity I searched beagle collars and found these training collars in awesome colors. I got her the green to bring out my eyes.

Happy birthday, little one, you make sleeping a daily reminder that I should get a bunk bed cause you don't know how to climb ladders.

SLC cribs Part 1

Less than 4 months to go until the vagina splitting and I keep making a mental list of things I have to to have before his big dome sees the light of day. I know there are things I want like cable tv and matching Motherboy XXX outfits for us, but I have to be realistic. So as it stands now:

1. a digital SLR camera
2. a car seat
3. onesies (hopefully train, construction worker and pooh-free)
and
4. a bed set up for us and him

I think the sad fact of the matter is that we will be in a queen size bed forever. I can't imagine living in an apartment big enough for a king size and I worry about the health of our relationship if we are essentially on opposite sides of the atlantic with a dog on a life raft in between us.
We are just going to have to work with what we got which is: one box spring, one ikea bed frame that is one humping away from crumbling like Lot's wife and 2 mattresses (one mine and one his) that we argue over which is better. Cause he wins (or I give in) to almost all of these types of fights, we are on his right now, which i think is giving me chronic heartburn. It is too hard for me and makes creaking noises a mattress should not make.
Solution! Memory foam and earplugs? Brilliant or misguided? But what thickness do I get? 2"? 3"?

The softest bamboo sheets... ordered!

MILF machine

My friend Keekee (my spelling, not hers) and I have been loyal gym buddies for the past two years. We both reached our skinnest adult weights in this time. Mine had a lot to do with the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend or a car, so obsessing about myself naked was my main summer pastime. Hers was attributed to one well timed stomach flu. During this particular virus, I practically licked her face for the germs, to no avail.
The funny thing about being your skinniest, is that you never know it's happening until a year later and you are looking at your old facebook profile and gawking at your surprising lack of chin wobble and low bra to underarm fat ratio.
We still go to the gym together, but only about two times a week, rather than our previous two times a day. And when we do go, we usually just gossip on the MILF machine (what my friend Jacob calls the elliptical, although, at our gym, it should be called the geriatric whirlybird).
Anyway! Where this story is going is that at the beginning of each year, I am reticent to go to the gym cause I just know it is going to be packed with the new years resolution-ers. They are usually gone by January 15th and I can stop ignoring them and start re-ignoring the pushy swimming team bitches. They think they own the locker room, with their hair flinging and scented oils for the sauna rocks! Other people may not love sandalwood ladies, scent yourself on your own time.. I don't want to have to know anything about it!
Knowing my love of exercising and my love of lists, my boyfriend passed this along to me. (Kidding. That's not why he sent it. He sent it cause he said #4 reminded him of me, which I am deeply offended by. I mean, if I am on a recumbent bike, I'm not eating burritos, so I consider it a step in the right direction).
Enjoy the list. They are wise words to heed.

Maybe I'll remember to write it on my checks